I started off this year on a pretty good foot. I had a good attitude and I was working towards being more laid back. I was on the path to becoming the guy I want to be. Basically, it’s a version of myself I just wanted to stretch it out a bit more. Be looser and worry less.
Of course, I was making progress and then this stupid pandemic broke out. Suddenly, I found myself concerned from afar, then frustrated, scared, and back around. Suddenly not taking things too seriously was more difficult and I found outlets to distract myself, which usually involved some sort of self-preservation whether it was diving into online privacy or watching westerns. I just needed something to feel some sort of self-sufficiency.
But I’m ready to step back from the edge. I think I finally broke yesterday. I was getting off of work and I realized I felt pretty good. I had done a ton of work on my blog and I just wanted to listen to some cheery music and have a good night.
The night wasn’t perfect, in fact, it was a little dreary but I woke up feeling the same again. I’m tired, but I’m feeling good. It’s like that little cloud of depression is slowly moving off and I’m ready to get back to smiling and laughing more.
The best thing about this pandemic is that it definitely turned the volume down with all the other drama in my life. Suddenly it ceased to exist because people’s BS little problems were seen for what they really were. I also credit myself with some self-isolation that also helped distance myself from some of that crap.
Anyway, I want to stay positive and stop feeling so beat down, so I’m gonna do my best to do that going forward.
My three day weekend has come to a close and I managed to watch six horror films, finished up Creepshow, and played a little Red Dead Redemption. But most importantly, I relaxed for a little bit.
Last week was incredibly difficult. It was difficult in a very strange way. I didn’t have much to do at work, basically nothing, which created a lot of stress and tension about being let go. Then surrounding me was drama, chaos, confusion, anger, and stress due to a lack of supplies, lack of care, and bad leadership. I’m usually pretty good at separating myself from the drama, but damn, this is some drama like I’ve never seen before. It slowly zapped me (as discussed in my last post) and by the weekend I was just done. I was exhausted and I felt it. Thursday night I was out of it and it took all day Friday for me to start to feel more like myself. Still, I don’t think I ever felt 100% like myself this weekend.
I walked into work today dreading it. Dreading the unknown and what is to come. Dreading the complaining and the drama queens.
I’ve thrown myself into something, which has been my horror blog, because it gives me something to focus on and work towards. It gives me a purpose and brings me joy. I think we all got to find those little things that keep us going during these tough times.
My goal for this week is to keep my anger in check, try to avoid the stress, and focus on my website more. I got six movies to review and three TV shows, so I definitely have some work ahead of myself.
Yesterday was tough. The stress that is being felt in the hospital was at an all-time high and everyone was in a sour mood. I don’t blame them, there are a lot of injustices being committed and a lot of stupidity running rampant, but each of us has to decide how we are going to react to all of this. And it seemed like yesterday, everyone wanted to react negatively.
I tend to avoid people with negative energy for the most part. I’m the type of person who is perfectly comfortable on my own and I’d much rather sit in peace than sit a table full of drama. Since I’m pretty intentional about whom I let into my life, I tend to avoid those people who are always negative. But the state of the world and the incompetency in our leadership at work just really soured even the most positive of people. I kept looking for someone to connect with in a positive manner but I found no one and it took its toll on me.
On my way home I got this urge to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t know why, I just figured it would make me happy. Then this morning on my way into work, I reflected on this and that’s when I thought about how everyone at work were energy vampires yesterday. They feasted on my positive vibes and energy drained me. A coincidence? Probably, but I really like the term energy vampires since that’s how I felt people were.
Today’s been better. I’m in a role where I’m by myself and have limited interaction with anyone. This is perfect for me. No one to bring me down or interject their negativity into my neutral space. I hope my day continues this way.
I slept well last night and woke up feeling refreshed this morning. Thankfully, today was my day off, so I was able to sleep in some and then once I got up I grabbed a soda and settled on the couch to play a little Red Dead Redemption 2. After an hour or so, I then got productive and knocked out a bunch of chores around the house and made a large batch of chili. While that was cooking, I played a little more Red Dead Redemption 2 and kicked back.
Things were going pretty great until I made a stupid mistake of checking the news. For those first few hours, all my thoughts and fears were at rest and I was at peace. Then, just one glance at my phone, ruined all of that. Why did I do that?
I’ve still got a good portion of the evening to go and I’m hoping I can get back to my little place of peacefulness. What will be, will be and none of it is in my control right now.