A Mental Check-In
I've spent the past month moving my belongings into storage. My wife and I are in the processing of moving into my parent's house after a freak turn of events occurred back-to-back. I'd be lying if I said I was excited about it. In fact, I'm downright dreading it. I was as comfortable as I've ever been in my adult life and the idea of living in a tiny workout room at my parent's house and losing the freedom and privacy that come with having your own place, is just not something I'm thrilled about.
I've been forced to face down a lot of negative self-talk. I've beat myself up quite badly and blamed myself for having to ask my parents for a place to stay. I conveniently ignore the role of a global pandemic and a greedy apartment complex played in this while telling myself I was a loser, but I'm finally moving into a mind space where I can stop the mental abuse and look forward to what comes next.
I've always been pretty self-aware about my mental issues. I know I struggle with depression and anxiety and over the years, I've experimented with a variety of different ways to combat the negativity. Meditation, philosophy, Buddhism, comfort television, intentional music listening, exercise, etc. have all been tools to help me make it through life a little easier. I felt like a couple of years ago, I finally found a good balance and I was coasting along with everything under control. Then this year happened. One set back after another set back occurred and I lost my ability to manipulate or will myself into contentment. I woke up every morning to a mountain to climb and after several weeks, I was too exhausted to do it anymore. The depression and anxiety crept back in and I spent way more time writing about suicide then I'd like to admit.
It was as if all my tools were no longer working, or they just weren't strong enough for the job. So, I began trying other things like prayer, which unfortunately didn't offer me the relief I was hoping it would.
Luckily, I'm blessed with some pretty great friends. Several people began checking in more regularly with me and one friend even opened up quite a bit about his own anxiety. It's been nice to have these little lifelines that always seemed to pop up via text just when I needed them.
I realized two weeks ago, that I needed to start putting more effort into my mental health as well as some self improvement. I began reading a book called Mind Over Moods which has helped a smidge. It's not life changing, but it's helped get me back on track and has allowed me to recognize the “automatic thoughts” that occur in my head on a daily basis.
I also began listening to some podcasts that deal more with philosophy and psychology. I guess, I managed to surround myself with some new tools and new ideas to explore.
This blog post was originally going to be about bettering myself and I guess in a strange way it sort of is, but this was definitely not the blog I was planning to write, but maybe it was the blog that I needed to write. I want to spend a little less time discussing pop culture and a little more about life. Sort of like what I was experimenting with the podcast a month or so ago.