A Birthday Free-Write

It’s almost 1 AM on November 25th, which means my thirty-eighth birthday ended about one hour ago. I like to take time and reflect on my birthday when I can, it’s sort of a tradition for myself going back the past fifteen years or so.

All week long, I’ve been trying to think about what to write about. What have I learned, where am I going, what is the next step? But even as my birthday came to a close, I had no idea exactly what the answer to those questions were. So, I’m just writing, whatever comes to mind.

Lately, I spend most of my time moving between living in the past and engulfing myself in all things retro, attempting to live in the present and focus on my mental health, and trying to find an interest to obsess over to make it through the day. I guess, I’ve lived this way most of my adult life, but it seems like it cycles much faster than it used to. I can enter and exit all three of these states of mind several times throughout the day, which only leaves me unfocused by the end of the day.

My unhappiness with the world and my current state in it keeps me from living in the present like I should. It just seems so much easier to hide in the past. I know this is not a healthy action and is something I’m wanting to work on. In fact, I’ve been researching therapists for the first time in years. I think it might be time to get back into the therapy game and see if I can get a little assistance with my burdens.

I do really good most of the time with managing my moods, although I can’t seem to find the happy go lucky one all that often. I guess, if I was to pick a role model, I wish I could approach life a bit more like Ted Lasso and less like Dante Hicks. I’m just so tired of feeling trapped in my own head and stuck in miserable. I believe turning thirty-eight, and realizing that my life is most likely more than half-way over has made me realize that I don’t want to reach the end of my life and having been cynical and irritable the entire time. I honestly don’t know how you go about reprogramming these natural default moods and reactions, but I want to learn. I want to be more positive in all of my interactions.

Years ago, I was on a path for minimalism that made me feel a bit more in control. I do think I took things too far and as I began lightening up, I’ve found myself lost in the bloat once again. This occurs in my digital life, the things I consume, my physical belongings, and so forth. There is just too much and it’s hard to keep track of it all. I want to focus on the next several months streamlining and reducing the clutter so that I may make room for what is truly important.

The year between my 37th and 38th birthday was far from ideal. I’m hoping this time next year, I’ll have experience a little better luck, or have equipped myself with the tools to handle the setbacks a bit better.

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