The Positive Self-Destruction of Brandon

Something has snapped in me this week and its for the better. I feel like it’s been building up the past two weeks (maybe a lot longer) and it all has come to together. It’s a bit of a break through for me.

I realized that I’m sick of just about everything. I’m sick of the shows I watch, the websites I follow, the sports I watch from afar, the books I read, the fandoms I hang onto, the video games I play, the nostalgia I embrace, the music I listen to, and just about everything in-between. I’ve grown bored and tired of the same ole stuff and I’m craving things new and different.

Life has become stale and it’s my fault. I’ve stood back, held onto things that no longer serve me, and couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy. I failed to realize that the things I surrounded myself were no longer bringing me joy, so instead of starting all over, I gave into sunk cost fallacy and decided to stick it out. If it once brought me joy, it will bring me joy again, right? Not always.

I’ve taken a step back from my life and asked myself, “Does this really make me happy?” and the answer has not always been yes. In fact, it’s usually more of a shrug most of the time.

Sadly, I’ve isolated myself so much because of my interests. I’ve stayed in a bit of an echo chamber and I haven’t discovered as many new things and because of that my life feels shallow. I hang onto the things I discovered twenty plus years ago, because I loved the joy and excitement it brought me when I first discovered it. So, now, instead of discovering new things, I keep going back to these old things and try to wring the joy back out of them. Sometimes, it works, most of the time it doesn’t.

I need to reset to zero. I need to start over and so I’ve been slowly rebooting everything. I’ve finally parted ways with lots of old things. Things such as partially written stories from twenty years ago. Stuff that is not worth while and stuff I’m not interested in revisiting. I deleted old ebooks I held onto that I would maybe read, or read again. I cleared off various web accounts and am in the process of approaching things with a fresh eyes and an open mind. I need a real fresh start, to rediscover things and that’s what I’m giving myself.

It’s time to close some doors on some things and time to dig down deep and make sure that I’m spending time on the things that I actually want to spend time on. In a weird way, I feel like I may have digressed a little bit from a few years ago. I was in a less happy place in my personal life, but I was making some headway spiritually. I was putting value behind that which truly deserved it. And that is something I’ve got to get back.

I give myself permission to never be complete.



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