No matter how hard I look, I can’t find happiness in this phone.
The night before Wrestlecade, we ate at Jeffrey Adams on Fourth and it was amazing. One of the best meals I ever had.
Yesterday, was arguably the best day of my life. I spent the day at Wrestlecade, a professional wrestling convention, with my wife and good friend Jimmy. It was my first real weekend trip in almost two years and I was able to immerse myself in a hobby and passion of mine: pro wrestling.
Pretty much everyone I met exceeded expectations and I had some genuine moments between myself and some of the athletes I follow and support. I got to do all this along side my wife and one of my oldest friends and that just made it a magical experience. I spend most of my days interacting with people I do not relate to. People I can’t have good conversations with because my interests do not involve politics, current events, or celebrities. I’d much rather geek out about cult films, retro goodness, and video games. I realize now, as I’ve gotten older, this has left me more and more isolated and rather lonely in a way. I basically have to wait for a convention of some sort to roll around before I can find myself surrounded by like-minded individuals in person. I have some great friends online also share the same interests as myself, just no one nearby and in person. And I guess I didn’t realize how the absence of real-life friends has effected me.
I came home and my mother asked about the trip and I went to show her some pictures. I could see it in her eyes the moments I pulled one up, she didn’t care. She has never cared. My parents have never shared any of my interests and when it comes to something like a convention, they can even less than usual. Of course, they love to discuss their RV trips and show off all their boring pictures, the difference between myself and them is I’m at least polite enough to support their enthusiasm.
I work alone two days out of the week and the other three days I’m visited by a single co-worker (a different co-worker on each of the three days) and there just isn’t a reason to connect. Two of the co-workers are old enough to be my mother and the other is absorbed with her children. I don’t even have that one person in the office that I can chat about the latest movies. There is just nothing.
I woke up this morning, coming down from two incredible days, and I found myself depressed and angry. I hate the fact that I must go back into the office tomorrow. I hate that my magical weekend has come to a close. I have a few upcoming wrestling events to look forward to, so I’m hoping that’ll get me by, but I’ve realized two things:
- I need to find a new job.
- I need to go back to therapy.
I had already been exploring the options of therapy over the past couple weeks. I’ll try to expedite that process while I wait for some of the bonuses coming my way via my job are distributed. Once I get those, I’m going to start looking.
On my way to Wrestlecade I made a quick stop-off at my grandmother’s old house. I didnt have any photos of it and my great-grandfather built it by hand.
It’s almost 1 AM on November 25th, which means my thirty-eighth birthday ended about one hour ago. I like to take time and reflect on my birthday when I can, it’s sort of a tradition for myself going back the past fifteen years or so.
All week long, I’ve been trying to think about what to write about. What have I learned, where am I going, what is the next step? But even as my birthday came to a close, I had no idea exactly what the answer to those questions were. So, I’m just writing, whatever comes to mind.
Lately, I spend most of my time moving between living in the past and engulfing myself in all things retro, attempting to live in the present and focus on my mental health, and trying to find an interest to obsess over to make it through the day. I guess, I’ve lived this way most of my adult life, but it seems like it cycles much faster than it used to. I can enter and exit all three of these states of mind several times throughout the day, which only leaves me unfocused by the end of the day.
My unhappiness with the world and my current state in it keeps me from living in the present like I should. It just seems so much easier to hide in the past. I know this is not a healthy action and is something I’m wanting to work on. In fact, I’ve been researching therapists for the first time in years. I think it might be time to get back into the therapy game and see if I can get a little assistance with my burdens.
I do really good most of the time with managing my moods, although I can’t seem to find the happy go lucky one all that often. I guess, if I was to pick a role model, I wish I could approach life a bit more like Ted Lasso and less like Dante Hicks. I’m just so tired of feeling trapped in my own head and stuck in miserable. I believe turning thirty-eight, and realizing that my life is most likely more than half-way over has made me realize that I don’t want to reach the end of my life and having been cynical and irritable the entire time. I honestly don’t know how you go about reprogramming these natural default moods and reactions, but I want to learn. I want to be more positive in all of my interactions.
Years ago, I was on a path for minimalism that made me feel a bit more in control. I do think I took things too far and as I began lightening up, I’ve found myself lost in the bloat once again. This occurs in my digital life, the things I consume, my physical belongings, and so forth. There is just too much and it’s hard to keep track of it all. I want to focus on the next several months streamlining and reducing the clutter so that I may make room for what is truly important.
The year between my 37th and 38th birthday was far from ideal. I’m hoping this time next year, I’ll have experience a little better luck, or have equipped myself with the tools to handle the setbacks a bit better.
Busy is a badge for those who lack purpose.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.