The other day I started watching season two of Mr. Robot. I really enjoyed the first season and am loving the second season, but it made me a bit nervous. I watch that show and I agree with most of the observations Elliott (Rami Malek) makes about society. I remember getting chills the first time I heard his “fuck society” rant in the very first episode because it sounded like something that would come straight out of my mouth.
The same thing happened while watching the first season of True Detective with Rust Cohle, Matthew McConaughey’s character. I even had someone at the time mentioned that his droning on about the state of the world and our uselessness in it sounded exactly like me.
If I was seventeen I’d probably be proud of having such thoughts about the world, but as I near forty, I guess I just presumed these sorts of things would escape me. I’d move onto some other level of my life and just be fundamentally more positive and happy go lucky. Sadly, that is not the way that I’m wired.
I did some ranting last week in a journal just to get my negative thoughts out and it was during this ranting that I realized that my default setting is darkness. I’m not a positive person nor am I hopeful, optimistic, or relaxed. What resides inside me is anger, frustration, and the thought that this world is going to hell and we’re all going too. It’s funny, because if you met me in person and chatted with me, most likely you’d never see that part of me. I fake it rather well.
The good thing is, I realize that I have this darkness inside of me. I’m not sitting around all goth like, brooding, or acting creepy. I’m not violent, hateful, or visibly agitated. I just have to be a bit more conscious of my moods than most people (at least I think.) I have to balance out the negative energy I take in with positive energy. This means not watching Mr. Robot or the news when I’m not feeling my best. It means digging out those 90’s sitcoms, watching a little Psych, or wrestling. It means finding a little hope in reading some Buddhist blogs, studying a Taoism, or just intentionally taking it easy. I have to dilute the darkness with light.
Maybe my internal feelings haven’t changed as I’ve aged, but I do realize now that we make our own weather. We decide each day how we are going to interpret things and I don’t like sitting in the darkness. I don’t like feeling hopeless or angry, and I’d much rather be laid back and content. Life is hard enough, the last thing you need is your own internal voice telling you how difficult everything is is and how pointless. Maybe I’ve turned a corner by consciously realizing the darkness that resides inside. Who knows?